Trying This Word Press Thing

So I’ve taken Chandra’s advice and started up a blog on Word Press. It was getting really tough to blog on my website. Chandra says it’s cause my website is too messy, but she doesn’t know anything about websites. But I’m really excited. I think it’s gonna be faster, which will give me time to do other things like pay my rent.

Recessionary Times Means No Cocaine

So thanks to real estate, banks, and marketplaces I can’t get good cocaine anymore. I’m sure I could buy it, but I’ve never been able to afford it anyway. I know the recession hit some people pretty hard. Especially people in the music industry. I went backstage at the House of Blues Saturday night to see if I could meet Cowboy Mouth. I figure House of Blues has some pretty well known bands so they would know how to party, but all they had was liquor. I mean, that’s okay and all, but after going through the hassle of sneaking into the show, telling security that my water broke so I needed to go to the bathroom backstage, and then figuring out who Cowboy Mouth was so I could say, “Hi,” and get them to sign my chest, I thought for sure someone would have cocaine. Sadly things are worse than I thought. So I just got loaded on Budweiser and Jack. Not much else was going on except people talking, so I hung out back with some guy who does lights for the Hollywood Bowl. He said he could try and get me in to see Steel Panther tonight. They sound cool.

What Happened?

So I haven’t been online ’cause I lost my internet connection. I tried to make a deal with Lydia, some woman who picked up the phone when I called Time Warner. I told her I could design Time Warner’s website if she’d let me keep my cable. She told me she wanted my money more. I told her that’s dumb, ’cause I don’t have any money and mom didn’t send me any cash again for Christmas, so she won’t get any money from me. Anyway, I lost my internet. I ended up getting a holiday job through at Walgreens. I didn’t know they had holiday jobs there, but after a week my boss told me that’s what I had. Jobs should last more than one week. After I pay my rent I’m gonna send Ronnie James Dio a get well card. Get better Ronnie! Rock it in the New Year!

Tiger the Tiger

Wow. I hear golf groupies are it now! I’m glad Tiger Woods is changing the way people look at sports groupies. I’m sure they work hard too. Still, he’s got a ways to go before he can make golf into a bad boy sport. That’s the only way he’s gonna get real groupies. Still, I’d never wanna be a sports slave. Athletes always have to be people that not fun people look up to. Like products like Wheaties have to want you. Who wants to brag that they seduced a Wheaties star? Tiger’s gonna have to work hard to change that. The car smashing thing was okay, but you could just like get a hotel room and smash it up with golf clubs or something. It’s also best if you get wasted before you do that. Then stand by a window with your shirt off and like scrub your nose 5 times. If you need, I think my friend Sandy lives nearby. She could actually make a polo shirt look cool. Good luck Tiger. Wow, even his name shows signs of potential.

Tiger Woods if he was in the right scene.

Thanksgiving

Hung out with Chandra on Thanksgiving. I picked up some turkey from Boston Market and then Chandra baked some tv dinners for sides. It was pretty good. Chandra’s mom called. She’s still not giving thanks that her daughter owns a record store. But she still gives thanks that I’m around. She tells me that if Chandra ever finds a man, it’ll be because of me. She says Chandra always looks great next to me. Thanks Mrs. Bishop! My mom never called. Still waiting. She must be really busy. I hear Scorpions are crazy on tour.

MÖTLEY CRÜE IN CANADA!!!!

MÖTLEY MAPLE

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Looked in my email and found out that the Crüe is gonna be playing in Canada! Their tour starts January 23, 2010! Oh my God. The Crüe told their fans that they’ll be “bringing it loud and hard.” I better work out! I’m gonna start doing some laundry so I can start hitchhiking to Canada next month.

Lecture Series – Part 2

The second Lifestyle Extension course I gave on HOW TO PARTY CORRECTLY went really really really well on Saturday at the ACME Theater. Almost too well. I was seriously hungover all day today. I don’t know how many more of these classes I can give. But it’s important for people to learn how to do body shots correctly if LA’s gonna become a hotbed of party again. I’m going back to my hashbrowns now.

HALLOWEEN FOLLOW UP

Stupid Chandra. Took me to some party in some place called Silverlake near where we live. No one knew who I was dressed up as for Halloween! I told her we should have partied on the strip, but she keeps telling me rock stars don’t live out there anymore. Well I heard Lemmy hangs out there, so as soon as I buy a car, I’m gonna go to the Rainbow to meet him. Stupid Chandra.

Lecture Series “How to Party Correctly”

Gave another lecture on body shots at some place called ACME Theater in Los Angeles. Kinda weird to have to teach that in a theater and during the Los Angeles Comedy Festival, but these extension courses are there for the people and so am I! LACC is gonna let me do one more of these lectures next week at ACME. All the info is on my PAIGE LIVE button on the left on my website, above Links, Metal Reviews. Store, Auctions, Videos, oh there it is.

HALLOWEEN!

My costume is awesome! I’m going as Tawny Kitaen! I’ve been workin’ on it for a whole year. So much easier than figuring out how to do a sexy service person like nurses and cops. And fuck pirates. Tawny Kitaen is hot! I think I can finally stretch my tongue out like hers.